“It was time to break apart the layers that I once gathered individually for myself. I discovered that it was more than necessary to strip down to the core, I slipped like a glitch and forgot what I cared about, I didn’t care for “showing up” anymore.”
Here are just a few responses I’ve received after stating that I’ve moved from California to Michigan:
- “I’m so sorry.”
- “You do know what a sweater is, right?”
- “What’s in Michigan?”
- “Did you not like California?”
Let’s start with…
- “Did you not like California?”
I love California! I believe Californians are so spoiled with so much to do & a variety of cultures to learn from.
2. “What’s in Michigan?”
I’m curious to know what’s in Michigan too! So far I’ve noticed there aren’t any seat covers in the public restrooms and the people I’ve run into so far are pretty courteous.
3. “You do know what a sweater is, right?”
I am aware what a sweater is. I prefer extra large sweaters actually – they’re my favorite to lounge in.
4. “I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be sorry. I’m curious, it’s what I love to do.
Now this is a loaded questions in one little word. There are some heavy responses to this, but I’ll leave that to the #toughtopics forum. So if you have any specific questions regarding my “why” – dive on in and drop a question below : (*specificity is sexy)
In the meantime, here’s one of the many reasons & I hope it will see more light: 🌤
The photo above, I had captured about a month ago on June 27, 2018. Within that week I had called the suicide crisis line 3+ times. I was spiraling down again to a space that was familiarly too comfortable. Growing up, I learned to practice hiding my darkness with socially acceptable “success”. It was a way I coped with feeling alienated among many other insecurities. My skills to perform positively for my surroundings grew cunningly. Although I was outwardly positive, inwardly I hated myself ever so quietly. It became more difficult to tell that a part of me was dying behind my smiles. I was dancing with hateful fire and grew a nasty habit of entertaining anything that brought the idea of killing my own self. I knew something had to change. It was time to break apart the layers that I once gathered individually for myself. I discovered that it was more than necessary to strip down to the core, I slipped like a glitch and forgot what I cared about, I didn’t care for “showing up” anymore. I became desperate for mental clarity. I knew what I had to do.
I had to follow my curiosity.
I followed my curiosity to the state of Michigan 🕵️♀️ a significantly slower pace of living. A space where I could hold myself rather than continue stabbing myself in between the hustle and bustle. I enjoyed what I was doing with others, just not what I was doing with myself. I needed to take care of myself and one of the first steps I made was changing my environment.
If you follow my personal instagram account @abadmarnin I posted a photo when I first moved to Los Angeles, California about 4 years ago. I had experienced a similar spiral before and changed my environment to practice and learn in LA. I hide, heal, and hone through creativity – I have a habit of using my curiosity to bring me back up when i’m low and practice creativity to keep me alive. I have found that creativity has it’s healing powers through my varied creations & captures – it just happened to be time that I focused that magic to myself where it could be generously applied.
I hope to discover more ways to embrace love for myself in Michigan as I continue to curiously cultivate and indulge in the state’s calmer waves. Thank you to those who have followed, supported, and read all the way down this page. I appreciate your views and most importantly appreciate your connection – so if you have anything you feel called to share or simply comment on, I encourage you to do so. I’m curious to know what you have in your mind!
Wishing you clear skies, minds, and all the love for your life. 🖤